As a stay at home dad, my ability to keep my kids in line is tested everyday. But it seems like these kids have super powers and they are practicing for a life of crime.
Even though I already raised one human from a tiny, squalling, slimy, messy baby to a slightly larger, whiney, messy kid; the Dashing Daughter still amazes me with her abilities to do things that nothing that small and seemingly uncoordinated should. Heck, even the Dashing Son, on the precipice of seven years old, can still do things that no human, let alone a kid should be able to do. I swear that if my son could focus on *SQUIRRELL* one thing that doesn’t have a screen on it for more than 4.8 seconds he would prove to be a challenge for the most basic superheroes. The Wonder Twins, Hawk Man, Aquaman, and maybe even Batman would have a heck of a fight on their hands with my son. And my son could take on the Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern with little trouble. My son would hand him his green butt in less than a minute
Now, the Dashing Daughter, while hovering at 20 lbs and just over a year old is probably still too young to be turning to a life of crime, but if she can maintain her focus, she will have Lex Luthor, Penguin, and the Green Goblin doing her bidding in the not too distant future. Superman, Spiderman, and Wonder Woman would be at her feet begging for mercy.
What powers do your kids have?
Well, I am glad you asked.
Photosythesis: While not much of a superpower, this is definitely something my son can do. He doesn’t like most foods (and I only make one dinner) and unless there is ice on the cars, he refuses to wear anything other than shorts and a t-shirt. The amazing part is that he also hates to go outside, so somehow he is generating energy from the light bulbs in the house. And believe me, does he have an excess of energy. Not only does he run around like the Tazmanian devil, his mouth moves faster than his feet do.
Super Flexibility: Plastic Man has got nothing on my kids: Both of my kids are incredibly bendy. The Dashing Daughter can get scratch the back of her head with her toe. She can also bend her leg sideways at the knee, and bend herself in half backwards (usually in a fit of rage). The Dashing Daughter can also somehow work her body through the barricade I put up to keep her out of the dog water. The Dashing Son bites his toenails. Me, I can barely touch the midpoint of my shins if my knees are straight.
Super Speed: Want to know who is faster than Usain Bolt? Well, if Usain Bolt had a jacket and a pair of socks, the Dashing Daughter would out distance him with ease. Luckily, we have walls on our house, and she can’t open doors yet. Plus she hasn’t learned how to stay out of corners, so I can eventually catch her. Then I have to fight her to get the coat and socks on. I have stopped bothering with the socks, she just waves her little hand around and both socks are gone, and she has tossed them away with such force and speed that they burn up in the atmosphere during reentry. She can also make the 20 ft dash to the dog water bowl in the time it takes me to blink. The Dashing Son is even faster, he knows the tone of my voice when I am about to ask him to do a chore. He will be right next to me one second, then “Dashing Son, could you….” He has somehow made it the 70 miles to his grandmother’s house before I can finish saying, “… throw this away for me?”
Bravery: My kids are amazingly brave. The Dashing Son has always loved being scared. He always laughed at being startled. The Dashing Daughter has no problem pulling on the cat’s tail, and giggles when the cat swipes at her. She reaches into the dog food bowl while the dog is eating. She laughs at me when I tell her “NO!” usually when she hits the keys on the d,kj hb,485 AHHHH, NO BABY!!!! As I was saying, on the computer keyboard, or tell her to stop playing in the dog water.
Super Strength: The Dashing Daughter is amazingly strong. I swear she could defeat Stone Cold Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, and Jake Cena in a wrestling match. She has this ability to twist away from me when I am changing her diaper that practically takes an industrial wench to get her laying on her back. Or she will lock her knees and squeeze her legs together to keep the dirty diaper on. Okay, that skill I am reinforcing until she gets married. I am also constantly amazed at her grip, how she doesn’t just crush her toys in her tiny little hand is beyond me. Trying to take a toy (especially one that she could choke on), and expensive electronic device, or a piece of garbage away from her requires the jaws of life to pry her fingers off of it. She can also shove whatever barrier I put in front of the dog water, including the dog.
Super Cuteness: While the Dashing Son is a good looking boy, the ladies fawn over his eyelashes, (Sidenote: Eyelashes, really, why are those something to think are cute? They are hair over the eyes, and a on a 6 year old boy. I don’t get it.) the Dashing Daughter has cuteness oozing out of her ears. This is probably her greatest superpower. If she stays this cute, she could blow up a bank in front of the entire police force, and make this face…
…and all charges would be dropped. If she laughed, I doubt charges would even be filed.
Now, Commissioner Gordon, law enforcement, and other crime fighters, I am going to tell you how to defeat these powerful super villians. First, the Dashing Son: there are two ways to go about stopping him in his tracks. 1) make sure that all stores have video surveillance with the TV screen that shows a camera view. You know, the ones that say “Smile, you’re on camera.” He will stand in that spot and wave, dance around, and make funny faces just to watch himself on a screen. 2) the easiest way is to ask him to start robbing stores. That should prevent him from doing anything of the sort. He will first have to spend 98 minutes eating breakfast, then 124 minutes getting dressed, and 3 hours to brush his teeth.
Now for the more devious creature, the Dashing Daughter. Well… right now, she’s a baby, and doesn’t get around very well. So be on the lookout for very cute, adorable baby crawling out of banks with wads of cash in her mouth. The other way is to put a bowl of dog water by the exit doors. She will skip the gold and diamonds and just splash in that for hours.